


Title (humorous)

by RedWritingHood



Series: Undertown (stories specifically for Matt bc I love him) [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:27:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29854629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedWritingHood/pseuds/RedWritingHood
Summary: Bixley is in jail. Contrary to appearances, this is not the thing her mother should be concerned about.
Series: Undertown (stories specifically for Matt bc I love him) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2194929
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	Title (humorous)

Bixley Cassenous squints at the paper, sticking her tongue out of the side of her mouth as she pens the note. "Dear... Nabby," she says aloud while she writes. "I took your advice... worked like a charm. I'm never seeing that guy again. He was utterly disgusted by me. He now thinks that I am an abomination upon this earth. He called animal control. I had to sit in a cage while Momma bought me back and signed the adoption papers. I'm both her biological and adopted daughter now. My sister could not stop laughing at me. My brother thinks that I am a Grade-A moron. My Poppa said that Something Had To Be Done™️ to prevent any more incidents. So he stamped a barcode on me. If anyone scans it, it will tell them that I am already paid for. Grandma says that I am a Shame To The Family™️ and that she has never been so proud. Jerry--that's our gardener--says that I must have been visited by a chupacabra, because my brains are missing. Aunty Bellam says that she can get me a new new brain on the black market, and that she has Connections. Momma asked if the black market also sold hearts, and if Aunty Bellam ever thought of getting one--"  
  
" _Bixley_."  
  
"Just a minute, Momma!" She hastily scribbles, muttering, "Well... I think I had better end this here... I have just been arrested for taking your invaluable advice once again... I will get back to you on this matter at a later time... Sincerely... Bixley Cassenous..."  
  
With that, she tucks her pen away and folds the letter to place in her pocket. She looks up.  
  
Momma does not look amused. Aunty Bellam, standing beside her, looks very amused. "What have I told you about listening to that advice column, Bixley?" Momma says.  
  
"Not to do it," Bixley says dutifully.  
  
"And you...?"  
  
"Did it anyway."  
  
"Like a boss," Aunty Bellam says, giving her a thumbs-up. Momma clamps a hand around Auntie's thumb like a vise. Aunty says, "Ow. Ow, ow, ow. Dagnabbit, you've got a grip like a pro wrestler." Then she adds, "And the build to match."  
  
Momma kicks the back of Aunty Bellam's knees out from under her and steps over the body of her sister to stand in front of Bixley. Aunty's hand weakly reaches out for Momma's ankle, then falls limply to the ground, only inches away from contact.  
  
Momma looks at her jailed daughter for a moment, then pinches the bridge of her nose and closes her eyes, turning away. "Why? Why in the world, Bixley Nelholm Cassenous, would you do this?"  
  
"I thought the barcode Poppa put on me would fix everything," Bixley says.  
  
Momma slowly turns back toward her. "The _what_?"


End file.
